Personal Reflections
I don't know if this is the right forum to unload some things, but it's not just a tool to keep others connected to the work that's going on in this country. It's a tool that allows me to be open and honest about the things I'm dealing with in my daily walk that I can't tell most people when I talk with them. My goal this year (no, it's not a new year's resolution) is to mend some fences in my relationships with others. I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation and thinking about relationships and such. In that regard, I've reached out to some folks and had some candid conversations with others.
How did this time for personal reflection come about? Well, you may remember that last year I was very sick and dealing with a lot of health issues. I had to travel to a different city to seek emergency medical care. Before I left I made a "just in case" video for my family members. I do this any time I have to get medical treatment in China, or whenever my health situation is very serious. It's only been 2-3 times in my whole life. So, I made this video. In this video, I imagine the worst case scenario - death. I think about what my sudden death would mean to people, and I think about what I need to say that I should have said face-to-face, but couldn't or wouldn't.
I started this video and it was so revealing to me. I'm a very emotional person, though I hide it by having a very hard exterior. As I talked through this video, I realized that there's a lot of pain in my heart over things that people have said or done to me. The things I wanted to say to people before I left this earth were mostly focused in the area of past hurts, forgiveness, and things like that. What I realized most is that despite my best efforts to be a good daughter, sister, wife, mother, I feel that a lot of the people in my life have a negative opinion about me that is based in the past, and not at all based on the person who I am today.
I contacted some folks to apologize for some past things and try to move on towards healing for everyone. I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt - to be open to the idea that I was wrong and people really didn't feel these negative things about me, especially since no one had told me so to my face. When I addressed people, what I heard was that I was totally right. A lot of people just don't feel great about having me in their lives.
I didn't make these strides at communication so that I could post about it on my blog. Today, though, I was moved to say something. Though I feel totally wronged, I realized that people's perceptions are true for them. There's nothing I can say or do to change the way someone perceives me. Even though the choices I've made in my adult life were made 100% in seeking God's will, people still took my choices as personal attacks on them or comments about how I feel about certain things. I want to address these issues, show how I'm moving forward, and encourage others to move forward with me.
I've listed a few things below that people have told me this year after I contacted them in an open and honest way. I've excluded or altered some comments because I felt it would be too revealing about who said them. I don't want anyone to feel like this is a personal attack or that I'm trying to make them feel badly. That's not the case. Just right now, this post is not about you, it's about me. If you see something on this list that you thought or said about me, then you're not alone. Others have said the same thing. Don't be offended. I'm moving towards healing, and I'm asking you to join me.
Here is a list of some things people have said about me:
*I only left America to get away from [certain people].
*I left America because I hated the country and that includes all of the people who live there.
*Going to China was me living metaphorically to show people that I didn't need them in my life.
*I think I'm better than all other Christians because I've lived and taught the Bible in foreign places.
*I prefer China over my home country.
*I'm selfish.
*I say hurtful things.
*I'm repeatedly told that I said in similar words, "We wouldn't even like each other if we [didn't have this relationship]"
*I'm passive aggressive.
*Every single action I've made in my adult life has been to show some other person how I feel about them.
*I'm bitter over past experiences.
*I haven't dealt with some issues from my past.
*I don't appreciate people.
*I say mean things to everyone, so no one should take it personally.
*I overrule people and make people feel that their opinion/idea isn't important.
*I treat adults as if they are my children.
*I'm bossy.
Things that aren't openly said, but are expressed through comments that people make about me while they're talking to me:
*(I'm often compared to my relatives (by various people) in a way that makes me feel negatively about myself.)
*(I'm often compared to others, who I think aren't really good people. It makes me feel that the people who are doing the comparing think that I'm not a good person either.)
*(Certain people are bragged about for doing one or two good things, whereas I only hear negative things said about me when I know for a fact that I've done more than one or two good things.)
This list isn't exhaustive by any means. I just wanted to give you an idea of what people think about me. Honestly, I'm surprised that anyone has even put this much thought into my actions. So, first and foremost, I'm thankful that people do consider me and my actions, though I'm not flattered by their ultimate decision about why I chose certain actions.
So, why am I posting this here? I'm doing this for several reasons. First, I feel that I need to do this. I was incredibly hurt by people's opinions of me. Even still, I didn't say one mean or ugly word to any of these people. I just accepted their comments. I did this, not for me, but for them. My first goal in this is to help people heal whatever areas where they feel I've hurt them. This happens by allowing a person to speak their mind freely in a safe place without attacking them for their feelings. Several times I just cried over these things. I haven't lived with any of these intentions, and yet this is how people have perceived me. I'm crying even now while I type this because it's just incredibly hurtful to hear people, who you love, say these things about you. I had to address this hurt openly so that I could move forward.
Second, I posted this here so that folks out there who seem to hold this opinion that I'm perfect can realize that I'm not. I can't speak to whether the above statements are true or not. What I can say is that I never tried to be any of those things. I can also say that even though I made all of my choices in an effort to follow God, people saw my choices how they wanted to see them. It hurts, yes, but maybe others who make comments about my family being special, or "super Christian", or anything else like that, will realize that I'm just a person. I'm struggling with my own little issues like everyone else in the world.
Third, I needed an outlet. This reason is totally based in my own sanity and self-interest. I talked with Colonel concerning a lot of these hurtful things that others said about me. No one knows my personality like him and I know that he'll be 100% honest when giving me feedback about my flaws and issues. After talking with him, I felt that the majority of things on this list were not true. That led me to feel very wronged by people. It also led me to desire a way to get this out of my system. I'm using 'blog-therapy' to help me heal these hurts and move forward in a more positive light, though I'm sure that my actions will be misconstrued as they have been in the past. Besides Colonel, I don't have anyone else to chat with about these deeper things. I use the blog as that outlet to bounce ideas off of. I realize that it's not my diary and about 15 people actually read this blog. Some of those people are people I've had these conversations with. It's okay though. I know who everyone is who reads this and I don't mind if you see me struggle with these things. I just needed to put it out there.
Fourth, I hope that other people who are dealing with a similar situation can realize that they're not alone. I've met a lot of people throughout the years who are living under some invisible yoke that is placed on them by family, friends, church folks, etc. because of past mistakes. There are people who feel they are in bondage to people's ideas of them. That is why many people in this world hate to go home, hate reunions, hate staying in contact with folks from their hometown, and choose to move far away when they are able. You just can't change people's opinions of you. It doesn't matter what you do or say. It doesn't matter how hard you try to be a good person or even to follow God. People will see what they want to see. There are people who haven't seen me or even talked with me during the past 5-10 years or more, and yet they hold to certain beliefs about me. It's a case of people on the outside looking in. They can't hear the conversations that are happening, they only see things through certain lenses, and can't see the truth of what's happening.
Ultimately, I'm thankful for everyone who's been talking openly with me. I've accepted your comments and I think it helps for future growth of our relationships. Also, it showed me that I was also harboring some judgments about others. Whether the judgments are true or not, I need to always approach people from a perspective of achieving mutual healing and understanding. I'm striving to do that, though I know I'll make mistakes.
The past two years, I've been studying about alternative medicine. I have a book about spiritual healing that talks about the different ways that we can help people to heal emotional wounds just by interacting with them. I'm trying to be more like the things I've read in this book, because they mirror the person that I think Jesus was, and the person I want to be like.
One way to heal a person's emotional wounds is through the eyes. We can look at people with compassion and help that person to feel safe and comfortable talking to us. We should not be looking at people with eyes of judgment. I'm asking people out there who've talked with me, to look at me and my life with eyes of compassion. This is one of my flaws. I've struggled most with compassion since living overseas. I'm working on this and trying to be more compassionate both with myself and others.
The second way to give healing to someone is through the voice. The Bible tells us that from the same tongue comes cursing and blessing, life and death. The tongue is dangerous. It can kill someone just as surely as the knife can. People, myself included, should give more care to choosing words. Women are especially artful at wielding words to hurt. As Colonel says, "what women lack in strength, they make up for in words." I truly believe this.
In my past, I patted myself on the back for my ability to get straight to the point when I was speaking - even if that point was at the end of a dagger that was stabbing someone in the heart. I've grown a lot since my teenage years and I've learned a lot of lessons about using my tongue and my voice to bring about healing. I'm trying to change. My whole adult life has been spent in trying to change this. You can ask Colonel. I've beat myself up many times about this very thing. Though others' opinions of me are very harsh, I guarantee you that my opinion of myself is even harsher. I'm asking people around me to choose their words carefully. Perhaps you really meant the mean things you said about me, but perhaps you harbor some resentment towards me and just want to say something to hurt me. Maybe you truly feel the things you said are true. Either way, the voice sends a variety of emotions. Let's work together to be sure that our words are aligned with our Biblical beliefs.
You can say "I love you" to someone. You can use your voice to make these words into hateful spiteful things. Just try it at home. Say "I love you" and put into those words all the love you feel for someone. Then say it again, but instead, put into those words anger or resentment. Then say it again, but this time be as sarcastic as you can. It's not just the words that have meaning, it's the voice and the intention behind the words. Join me in this quest to "be careful little mouth what you say." It's an important part of healing or hurting someone.
The third way to give healing is through thought. This goes along with the voice. As I said, intention plays a large part in how something is perceived. Many times you can interact with a person once or twice and know immediately if they have good or bad intentions towards you. Humans are perceptive beings. The Bible says some interesting things about adultery and thinking. Basically, if you think about doing a certain thing to a person, it's just the same as doing it. Lots of folks like to think this only applies to sexual things. I'm one who thinks that it applies to everything. If you think some evil about another person, you've committed that sin already, even if no action is tied to that thought. We must be careful of our thoughts.
I'm very thankful that my first thoughts concerning these things people said about me were thoughts of sadness rather than thoughts of hate or anger. It shows that I've come a long way. About 15 years ago, I would have reacted with rage, hurt, bitterness, you name it. I probably would have harbored some evil intentions for some people. Thoughts are powerful.
I'm asking everyone out there who thinks negatively about me, or anyone else, to rein in your thoughts. Challenge your thoughts. Ask yourself, "Is this thought true?" "How well do I know this person?" "When is the last time that I talked to this person about this thought?" "Have I ever addressed this person about this issue?" "Is there another reason that this person could have made this decision? A reason that has nothing to do with me?" Sometimes our negative thoughts come about because of lack of communication. If we would just talk with each other about our negative thoughts, we could overcome our issues, and help people to heal the hurts in their lives.
The fourth way to bring about healing is through the touch. Through touch, people may be hurt or comforted. I personally think that touch and thought are connected just as much as thought and voice are connected. There is always an underlying intention behind everything we do and say. Is my intention positive, negative, or neutral?
Have you ever gone to church and had someone give you a weak handshake? They just sort of stick their hand in yours, but the hand is all limp, and then the person is gone before you've even had a chance to say "Good morning"? What is the feeling you get from this person? Do they care about the interaction they just had with you? Did the touch mean anything? How do you feel after this kind of interaction?
The same thing applies to hugs. Have you ever had someone grab you quickly, give you one short pat on the back, mumble something to you about it being good to see you or some such, and then walk off quickly to do the same thing to the next person? How does that feel? Do you feel loved or welcomed? Do you feel anything? Do you even care? Did you even notice who the person was?
The intention behind the touch means a lot. Can you think of a time when you were heartbroken and someone just sat by you and held you while you cried? They didn't say anything to comfort you. They didn't try to make you stop crying. They weren't uncomfortable or wishing you'd just go away. They were just there with you in that moment, feeling your pain, and sending thoughts of love, peace, and comfort to you. You can totally feel the difference in this hug and the other hug. You remember the person who takes time to hug you with positive intention.
Think about babies who have no language or real understanding of things. A crying baby can be comforted just by having someone who loves them hold them closely. Babies don't understand anything that's really going on around them. They do, however, know a good feeling from a bad feeling. Those feelings are conveyed through touch.
The Bible tells us to greet one another with a holy kiss. How many people do you see doing this in church? Or when we gather together for any activity? Very few. Why? Because in our culture, the kiss comes with intention. There's a deep thought behind who you kiss and why. Even kisses on the cheek are not usually given lightly in our culture. Perhaps in France or somewhere it's different, but in America, these kind of things have a deeper meaning. Touch and thought are tied together.
I'm asking people to consider their touch. Think about all the people you touch throughout the day. Is your touch a healing touch or a hurting touch? Are you using your touch to cause pain? Are you sending negative messages with your touch without even realizing it? Please join me in reaching out to touch someone. Touch someone with the intention of helping them through whatever difficulty they are feeling. I can't tell you how many times I wished someone would touch my hand with the intention of giving comfort, or give me a hug to show that there's no hard feelings. It's difficult living in China. I have these conversations with people through email, Facebook, Skype, QQ, Wechat, texting etc., and there's just no real interaction. I can't truly understand the thoughts you have other than listening to the sound of your voice, or trying to understand your thoughts through the words you type. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding people because there's no touch. What I can say is that regardless of the negative perceptions people have of me right now, I'm working on my self so that when I see these people again, I can give them the biggest hug ever that is filled with love, acceptance, forgiveness, comfort, peace, and whatever else that person and I both need to move forward in our relationships.
Ultimately, hearing people say negative things about me hasn't been something that's caused me to shut down and pull away (it would have in the past). It's pushed me to reach out and build a bridge. I hope that everyone who's reading this can realize that I love. I don't hate. I don't do anything out of hate. I'm also very different from the person you remember, or even the person you may have heard about, or even the person you knew last year. Right now, I'm just some words on a website, but very soon, I'll be a real person in front of you. I'll have feelings and thoughts just like you. My goal is for us to reach our greatest good together. I'm on a journey to be better. Please join me on this journey so that we can bring healing to our family and friends. In doing this, I believe that we can positively impact our neighborhoods, cities, states, and eventually our whole country. We've been given the great commission. It's our job to go into all the word. How can we heal the world, while people are hurting at home? We can't. I'm realizing that healing the world starts at home.